I’m not going to beat around the bush with this post. I’m sure it will be hard, though. And hopefully you’re up for reading it. After all, I had to rise to the occasion just to write it — and my wife didn’t even give me a helping hand (and usually she bends over backwards for me).

Okay, I’m double entendre’d out, so I’ll dive right in (sorry, had to slip another one in there).

Why is travel sex NOTHING like vacation sex?

Now we all know the line about sex being like pizza – even when it’s bad, it’s still pretty good. And some people may be thinking “hey, be happy you’re having sex”. Well, yeah, I suppose we should be happy. But there is a big difference between vacation sex and travel sex. Not sure of the difference between sexes? Okay, let’s start with vacation sex…

Vacation sex is just plain AWESOME!

Let’s face it, when you’re on that week-long vacation you’re on top of the world — and most nights you’re on top of your partner too! When comparing to travel sex, there are no worries about catching the bus to the next small village, only catching the next skin-boat to tuna-town. And you certainly don’t have to worry about lugging your heavy, bulging bag everywhere either.

Whether you’re on a camping trip, all-inclusive getaway, or city tour, there’s always room in the schedule for a little nookie. You’re on vacation! You’ve broken up your daily routine of waking up, getting ready for work, going to work, coming home, watching the boob, err, television, going to sleep and repeating the next day, all the while eagerly awaiting the weekend so you can mow your lawn…so to speak.

Vacations give you a jolt of energy, a temporary reprieve from the daily grind. It’s an exciting time, so get excited. Hey, you can’t spell “hotel” without “hot”. Time to get hot and heavy! And why do people say “get a room” when they see couples making out in public? Well, you’ve got a room, time to put on the 24 hour porn channel and get busy with your honey, then ponder what to do with the other 23 hours and 56 minutes!

Oh, you’re camping with the kids, you say? Well, zip the kids away into the tent and get creative. The wilderness is a dark place at night, and outdoor sex is exhilarating and mysterious too. Is that a twig or your finger? Uh, that’s ummm…a twig. So grab a blanket and slink off into the woods for a quickie. And ladies, worried about the kids being all alone in the tent? Well, if your man is anything like the rest of us, you’ll be back in no time!

And if you’re not having vacation sex I have one question for you; Why not? Things could be worse – you could be hard at work at the office. Or, you could be traveling, and travel sex is much harder to come by, because…

Travel sex kinda sucks…

As house sitters, our travel life is a little different than many others. But here’s what it’s like when we do travel between house sits.

Picture this: you wake up at 6:00am, squeeze on to an already hot and crowded mini-bus going to the next major city so you can take another mini-bus to another smaller town. You ride the bus for several hours with only one pee-break in there. But you knew there wouldn’t be many pee-breaks, so you purposely dehydrated yourself. Your mouth feels worse than the morning after a long night of drinking. You could shave your mouth it’s that funky. Then you reach your destination and grab a taxi to your hotel/hostel/motel/house-sit/friends, or wherever you’re staying.  You toss your bag down, and your luggage too, chug the remaining lukewarm half-liter of water you’ve been rationing and pray to the travel gods that an ice-cold beer will appear after you’ve taken a wicked and much needed pee-break.

[bctt tweet=”Hey babe, wanna have sex now?”]

But wait, you have an itinerary because you only have X number of days here. So you maybe have a quick shower, but probably not together because you need to concentrate on getting clean. After hours on that crowded bus you probably smell worse than Gargamel — I mean that guy wore the same black robe in EVERY episode of the Smurfs, so I’m sure he smelled pretty ripe.

You clean up and venture out for some food and get your bearings. After a few hours of said activities you return home and plunk yourself down because your dogs are barking and you most likely want to do nothing but lay there in a comatose state. Sex at this point is not going to happen, and if it did, your mind would probably wander aimlessly into visions of Mimi from the Drew Carey show bumping uglies with Fred Flintstone. Yeah, you’re THAT tired.

Depending how long you stay in the same place you may get lucky a few times. But it’s not vacation sex. Not even close. Why? Because you’ve been traveling with that person for 3 months, 18 days, 4 hours and 37 minutes and haven’t been apart for more than the few minutes of alone time that each of you cherish while taking a poop in privacy.

But let’s backtrack to our house sitting life. My wife and I stay in complete strangers homes for free in exchange for looking after their pets. They trust us with their home and their beloved animals, so sex on the kitchen table, counter, and/or floor is probably frowned upon.

We’ve had house sits where we’ve slept in the owners bed about half the time. That’s almost 50% of the time that we’re sleeping in someone else’s bed. With someone else’s sheets (albeit freshly washed). And someone else’s pillows. It’s kind of like staying with your in-laws and conjures up thoughts like;

Should we have sex in their bed?
Does it feel like someone’s watching us?
Do you think they have a hidden camera in here, like in that movie Sliver?

Setting my paranoia aside, the pets come first. Wait, let me rephrase that. We have to look after the pets first. That sounds much better. Typically the dogs and cats need to be let out and/or fed. So I’m not always…up…for a morning “how-do-you-do”.

More often than not we look after dogs with our house sits. And dogs are funny when it comes to having sex. Oops, let’s rephrase again. When you and your partner are having sex, dogs tend to want to know what’s going on. Sometimes they want to jump on the bed and partake in the festivities, and well, that’s not the kind of doggy-style I want to be involved in. I knew I could work doggy-style into this post!

People who travel or house-sit tend to work from home or live a “nomadic” lifestyle. We aren’t going back to the office next week. This is our life. We travel. That’s why travel sex is nothing like vacation sex. But this isn’t to say you can’t have travel sex. It just seems…harder to fit it in.

Now go sell all your stuff and have sex!